Aliens, robots, the Illuminati. There are plenty of powers ready and willing to take over earth and subjugate humanity. Now, as though we didn’t already have enough to worry about, there’s one more enemy on the list – killer bacteria.

Scientists at the World Health Organization are working toward creating what they call “killer bacteria.” Though scientists claim they’ll use the bacteria only to fight antibiotic-resistant bacterial infections, what they’re really doing is taking sides in the fight for humanity.

For every cell in the human body, there’s one bacteria cell along for the ride. Most of these live in the colon. While some are beneficial, even essential to human life. Others are bent on our destruction.

Futurama Parasites Lost
Killer bacteria from Futurama Season 3 Episode 2

Bacteria is at fault for everything from Acne to Syphilis. While not all bacterial infections kill, some do. Think E.Coli, cholera and staph infections. Our strongest bulwark against most of these infections is vaccinations. But the antivax movement led by the Alt-Right and their alien puppet masters is steadily eroding that defense.

So we’re left with antibiotics. But even the strongest antibiotics don’t work for all infections. According to science news about 2 million Americans are infected by drug-resistant bacteria every year. Of those, about 23,000 die.

WHO scientists want to “send a killer after the killer bacteria.” Think of it as a cage match where the fighters are armed with semi-automatic weapons. And your body is the cage.

Cage Match

Killer bacteria are the next step in a disaster of our own making. By handing out anti-biotics to every snot nosed toddler and whining parent, doctors have been helping bacteria grow stronger for years. Now they want to hire a mercenary to clean up their mess.

This particular mercenary is called B. bacteriovorus. It finds the target bacteria and latches onto it. Then forces its way through the outer membrane of the enemy bacteria and seals up the hole it made. Next it dissolves the bacteria from the inside out and uses the resulting goo to replicate itself. Eventually the killer bacteria and its clones burst out into the body and go hunting for more cells to destroy.

Muppets in space
Artists rendering of bacteria bursting out of the cell.

If all of that sounds terrifying, don’t worry. According to a science news article “from what researchers can tell, these killer bacteria appear safe.”

Safe may be a relative term. Though scientists say they’ve found no downsides to the treatment yet, we have to wonder what happens if the killer bacteria acquires a taste for other cells? What happens if killer bacteria decides it doesn’t want to take orders? Is it possible that we’re engineering our own destruction?

If anyone is going to come out on top in this it seems like the robots have the best advantage – they’re immune to bacteria. Meanwhile the Illuminati are more or less human, and everyone knows that even the common cold can kill an alien.