Our alien overlords are subtly manipulating the methane content of our atmosphere by feeding red Skittles to cattle. Their goal is to make planet earth more hospitable to them during the coming invasion by making the content of the atmosphere more closely match that of their home planet.

The evidence can be found in a sciencealert.com article that drew attention to thousands of Skittles that had seemingly fallen off the back of a truck in the night. It can’t be a coincidence that Skittles are produced by the Mars company.

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Twitter and news outlets were aware of the spill, but seem to have missed the true import of what’s going on.

The local police claim that the Skittles were on their way to area farms to be used as cattle feed. Someone seems to have convinced farmers that Red Skittles were just as good as corn for providing carbohydrates to cows. The identity of the farmers in question had been conveniently withheld, obviously to prevent us from know which farmers have already been won over by the aliens.

-image courtesy of ShanBlan via Morguefile
-image courtesy of ShanBlan via Morguefile

Sciencealert dug up an interview with Dr. John C. Waller, an animal nutrition specialist at the University of Tennessee. Dr. Waller seemed to think that there was nothing strange about feeding farm animals candy. A look into Dr. Waller’s credentials revealed that he has since “retired.” We can only hope that the aliens were gentle with him.

News outlets and Twitter delighted in the strangeness of the news, but even IFLScience! (a site we love and respect) seemed to have missed the true depth of the conspiracy at hand.

Even if we accept that candy offers the same nutritional benefits to cattle as vegetables would, there’s still a lot of room for concern here. Buried at the bottom of the Sciencealert article is a reference to a 2012 study published in the Journal of Diary Science. That study found that digesting high-sugar grasses could cause cattle to emit more methane.

If that’s true, imagine what sugar-laced candy might do. The aliens have clearly found the perfect way to boost Earth’s methane levels while remaining under the radar just a little longer. They would have gotten away with it too, if their “truck” hadn’t leaked Skittles all over a Wisconsin Highway.

An artist's rendering of the "truck" that dropped Skittles on a Wisconsin highway.
An artist’s rendering of the “truck” that dropped Skittles on a Wisconsin highway. – image courtesy of ImBooToo via Morguefile

 

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